Anger or Sadness?

I've had a few friends having babies lately and they are all the same, a cute bundle of joy that they get to hold and cuddle with.  I'm happy for them, I really am, but something eats at me.  I know it stems back to when Michael was born.  For those of you who don't remember, Michael wasn't breathing when he was born.  He wasn't blue and his heart rate was great, but he wasn't breathing for a few minutes.  On top of that he had blood sugar issues, an infection (strep-F....ya I thought there was only A and B), and later Acid Reflux that made his breathing issues worse when he was eating.  Needless to say I didn't hold my baby after he was born.  I didn't hold him for 3 hours after he was born, and even then I was urged to go away.

I've carried a lot of anger (or maybe sadness that has made me bitter) with me because of all of this.  I wasn't ready to push, so why was I told to?  Why wasn't there a doctor in the hospital when I was told to start pushing?  Why wasn't there a doctor in the hospital when I gave birth?  Why couldn't I at least see my son when he was born?  Why was I left in the recovery room for 2 hours and not told anything about him?  Why would the mother-baby unit nurses not let me go see my son when it was obvious that I could walk just fine?  More importantly, why did I decide to deliver in Logan? I hated my doctor from the beginning, but I had little choice in the matter (there aren't enough doctors in Logan).  I knew I wouldn't be happy giving birth there, but I did anyways.

All I can do is hope things are better this time around.  I'm going to scream if I have to; I'm going to get what I want!  I'm going to have a decent doctor who understands that if I can't have my baby with me (which I can guarantee I won't because I will always have small babies with blood sugar issues) I need to go to my baby right away.

A part of me feels like I need to examine these feelings a little more so I can let them go, but I also know I don't want to think about them.  I don't want to remember how it felt at the time and how it still feels.  It's hard to avoid when all of the babies I've seen lately are perfectly healthy and with their moms.  O well.