Anger or Sadness?

I've had a few friends having babies lately and they are all the same, a cute bundle of joy that they get to hold and cuddle with.  I'm happy for them, I really am, but something eats at me.  I know it stems back to when Michael was born.  For those of you who don't remember, Michael wasn't breathing when he was born.  He wasn't blue and his heart rate was great, but he wasn't breathing for a few minutes.  On top of that he had blood sugar issues, an infection (strep-F....ya I thought there was only A and B), and later Acid Reflux that made his breathing issues worse when he was eating.  Needless to say I didn't hold my baby after he was born.  I didn't hold him for 3 hours after he was born, and even then I was urged to go away.

I've carried a lot of anger (or maybe sadness that has made me bitter) with me because of all of this.  I wasn't ready to push, so why was I told to?  Why wasn't there a doctor in the hospital when I was told to start pushing?  Why wasn't there a doctor in the hospital when I gave birth?  Why couldn't I at least see my son when he was born?  Why was I left in the recovery room for 2 hours and not told anything about him?  Why would the mother-baby unit nurses not let me go see my son when it was obvious that I could walk just fine?  More importantly, why did I decide to deliver in Logan? I hated my doctor from the beginning, but I had little choice in the matter (there aren't enough doctors in Logan).  I knew I wouldn't be happy giving birth there, but I did anyways.

All I can do is hope things are better this time around.  I'm going to scream if I have to; I'm going to get what I want!  I'm going to have a decent doctor who understands that if I can't have my baby with me (which I can guarantee I won't because I will always have small babies with blood sugar issues) I need to go to my baby right away.

A part of me feels like I need to examine these feelings a little more so I can let them go, but I also know I don't want to think about them.  I don't want to remember how it felt at the time and how it still feels.  It's hard to avoid when all of the babies I've seen lately are perfectly healthy and with their moms.  O well.

Michael's 7 months!

Michael turned 7 months old a few days ago.  He has been such a great little boy :)  His milestones are becoming less distinct, but I can tell he's growing more and more every day.
Here are Michael's fun facts:

• Michael is getting more mobile.  He is still rolling everywhere.  I can tell he's getting really close to crawling.
• He has one tooth in.  Michael's teeth have been a long process.  Every few weeks I've felt a bump that is almost through, then two days later it's soft mush again.  He finally has cut through the gums
• He claps :)  Well, in his own way.  When we tell him to clap he will hit both of his hands against his stomach as fast as he can
• He has started to say 'mama'.  He says it when he's crying.  I don't know if he associates the word with me or if he knows he will get attention when he says it.
• He has basically tripled his birth weight and grown about a foot :)
• He loves the boat!  We've taken him out twice now and he does great!  Except he hates the life jacket
• He is becoming more independent.  Since I've started getting sick I leave him to entertain himself more and more.  So far so good.  

He's been a great little boy for his 7 months and 5 days so far :)  We are excited to continue to see him grow!

Thank you Josh

Today has been a rough day, so I want to thank my husband.  He came home from work to see me laying on the floor next to Michael practically sleeping.  He offered to help with Michael while I blubbered a little about being exhausted.  He put Michael in his high-chair and started making dinner while I laid on the couch.  At dinner he let me take the last taco (the first thing I could stomach all day).  After dinner he took Michael with him over to a friends house so I could relax even more.  So right now I'm watching cake boss and writing up this post thinking how great he is.  I hope he knows how much I appreciate him!

Thanks hun!

Ageless Facebook

Currently FB has rules about not letting children under 13 get profiles, but they are thinking of changing that.  I read a few responses to this and was amazed to find one from a mom saying it would take away all of her privacy.  I laughed at this for a moment because usually it's the kids saying this.  They don't want their parents joining FB and ruining their privacy.  But the mom has a point.  Not just about her kids, but about privacy in general.

Originally I got my FB account when I was in high school.  At that point it wasn't as popular and few people had it.  I enjoyed sharing things on there with just friends.  But that has changed now, with time and increased users.  Everyone has a different idea of how open they want to be on there, some people add everyone, some add only family, and there are many varying levels in-between.  I used to add everyone and not pay attention.  After a public spat with a family member I decided to delete them and some other people.  Bring on the first FB purging.

Since then I go through everyone every few months and see if I still want people as friends.  Some I never talk to so I delete them, others posts of horoscopes and Italian soap opera stars push me over the edge.  Others post things that I don't really approve of.  I also go through and change how much I see from every person, like hiding all pictures so I don't have to see Fabio Such-and-suchio.  When I do this though I always have the dilemma of 'can I delete this person or not?'

There are people I wish I could delete.  They drive me crazy and they post something every few minutes.  But these are sometimes the people that for one reason or another I can't delete.  Especially the few who are honestly a little creepy and check their number of friends every day to make sure no one deleted them, then they track you down and ask you about it....creepy!  I don't like sharing my life with those weirdos!

Where is my privacy anymore?  I used to think this blog was my little piece of privacy, more of a journal than something public.  After some people getting mad about my announcement last week I've learned more people read this than I thought.  Unfortunately I never realized how un-private this blog is.  Because of that incident this blog is now private, probably not for long so some family can read it, but it is for now.  I'm taking my privacy back!

Michael's Quilt

Last Saturday I finally got all of the fabric cut for Michael's quilt and began to sew.  Unfortunately there were issues.  I sewed the first square wrong, so I moved on to the next one.  On the next the sewing machine decided to bunch up some of it.  I decided to set that one aside too.  Then I started sewing the third one, which resulted in the bobbin going crazy and needing to be re-thread.  It's a new sewing machine and it's difficult to thread the bobbin, so I decided to call it a day and be happy with the fact that I got all of the fabric cut. 

So eventually all of these blocks will have the sides sewn on, and then I have to sew big white strips around them.  So instead of fixing my sewing machine I'm writing a blog about the quilt, pretty diligent wouldn't you say?

I guess people read this thing

So I posted our good news on here knowing that usually only three people read this blog.  I can see how many people view each post and I know all three of them.  So when I post our good news on here there are suddenly over 30 different people who have viewed our blog.  Then everyone gets mad.  So let me clear some things up.

When one family member finds out, usually within two days they all do.  I know this from when I was pregnant with Michael and from when I hear about other people who are pregnant.  This is how I know my sister-in-law is pregnant as well.  Usually I like this because then I don't have to call everyone.

Also, I did post that I was pregnant with Michael on facebook.  I did this because, again, all close family should have known by that point.  I posted it to let aunts, uncles, and some cousins know who didn't already.  Eventually I will do the same with this pregnancy.

To be quite frank, I'm annoyed that people are mad about this.  Especially the people who wouldn't tell me directly if they were pregnant.

Unfortunately I bet only the usual three people will continue to read my blog and see this post.

How I love my husband

Josh is sick.  Actually we are all sick.  Well tonight Josh took some medicine that made him really....spacey is a good word.  Unfortunately Josh sorta spilled the beans...to a lot of people, unintentionally.  So here it is!