The secret to LOOKING like an awesome runner

A few people in my neighborhood have seen me running lately.  Now, I suck at running.  I ran cross-country for two years in High School and sucked...well until after I graduated, I had a while there where I was doing awesome. 

Anyways...

I try to look like a good runner, until I get around the corner and start walking as I sound like I've walked through the Sahara without any water.  So here is how you look like a good runner:

What you need:

• Awesome shoes.  Now they don't need to be super expensive, just make sure they have some neon colors in there
• Running shorts.  The old soccer shorts don't cut it. 
• Old race shirts.  Now, I have a few from cross country and I cycle through.  If you don't have any check the DI.  Or go to a race and just buy a shirt...but be careful, people might not believe you ran a marathon, but a half is usually a safe bet, same with a 10k.  No one will be impressed with a 5k (which is why I only wear the shirts that say multiple races lengths on them, I like to keep them guessing).
• Sun glasses.  This can also help hide the look of desperation to stop.  Make sure they are the sporty ones with weird designs on the side.
• If you take an ipod you need the arm band.  No one will take you seriously for a second if you have it in your hand.

The Technique:

• If you see a person, RUN!
• If you see someone you know, SPRINT!
• If someone stops and waves you better wave back.
• If someone says hello to you, you say it back, but in a normal voice, not the I've ran a mile kill me sort of voice.
• When you pass close enough to someone who can hear your heavy breathing, just stop breathing. 

The REAL secret:

• When people are out of site, walk or lay on the ground panting.  Cry if you need to.  Drink your weight in water.  Hide behind those green utility things.  Hide in the tunnel slide at the park.  Hide behind parked cars.  Make sure no one is watching you, especially little kids, they point and laugh.  Get home and sit in an ice bath for an hour, then a hot bath for an hour.  Use a whole tube of icy hot.  Eat a burger then have some ice cream.  Do all of this with the shades drawn.  Most important of all, post mile times on facebook for the world to see, and good mile times, not your actual ones.

Oh, and keep running, because one day you could be awesome and not have to do any of this.  Until I get there, I'll be hiding in the slide at the park down the street.