A lot of my facebook friends that I went to high school with are all posting about graduating. Some are married, most aren't, and none of the others that have a kid are graduating. It's bittersweet for me.
I never pictured myself getting married young. For one reason or another I always thought I'd get married when I was around 30. Of course that dream of mine involved me going to Medical School so it made a lot more sense.
When I did get married at 18 I rethought my plan a little. We would both go to school and graduate, then think about having kids. I even researched the easiest years in Medical School and found that between first and second year was probably the easiest time (not that it would be easy in any way) to have a child. Right before your first year you could be moving across the country, and I had to think about Josh getting a job.
Well, Josh and I both had a really strong impression we were meant to have a child. In fact, it was more of a slap in the face. So six months after being married we really discussed it and what it would mean for our plans for the future.
I should add a little about Josh here. Josh knew exactly what I planned for my life when we got married. He knew I wanted to wait five years to have a baby, and he was fine with that, especially since I would only be 23, and he would only be 27. As far as me working though, we never saw eye-to-eye on this. We both knew we wanted someone home with the kids, but didn't know how we would make that work. He always wanted a large family, but knew that I never planned on one. Somehow we both got married knowing we could possibly spend years and years fighting over this.
After a month or two of discussing the logistics, especially financially, we dived in. It took a whole day for me to get pregnant. When we did the math we knew this wasn't just a fluke, we were meant to have a baby.
Well we had Michael. A mixture of postpartum and looking at our future plans again led us to having another baby. Five months later we were pregnant again. Elli was born and we examined our plans again. At this point we still felt it was possible for me to be a doctor. We saw that I could stay home with the kids until Josh was done with school then I could finish, just a few years behind schedule.
Months passed and we didn't look at our plans again. In fact, we avoided that discussion completely. One day I joked that we should just get off birth control for a month and see if we got pregnant. If we did it was meant to be, if not we were done. We both realized that we had been thinking the same thing, we weren't done, but we didn't know what to do. Without thinking about future plans, we decided to have another baby.
When I got a positive pregnancy test Josh didn't know how to respond. He was happy, but scared that I would be upset about our future plans not working out. To his surprise I was very excited.
That positive sign has changed a lot for me. I've given up my dream of being a doctor. All of my future plans are gone. Who knows when I'll go back to school.
When I see a new post related to graduation I'm not jealous anymore, I'm not sitting around thinking about when it will be my turn. Lately every graduation post has made me happy that I'm a mom. I could have put off having kids, but what would I have gained? Eventually I'll get a degree, so I don't really see that counting against me. I could have maybe gone to Europe. I'd probably own nice clothes and a new car. I possibly could have been the same size I was in High School. But what would I have lost?
I would lose Michael running into my room every morning with a wet kiss and telling me to wake up. I would lose Elli's cute giggles every time she pulls a sock out of a drawer. I would lose feeling this third baby move around every time Michael and Elli attempt to sing 3 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed. I'd lose Michael telling me every letter he recognizes on every sign. I'd lose laughing every night at the crazy position Elli decides to sleep in. I'd lose a million little things that mean a lot more to me than any future plans.
So four year later I can honestly say I'm glad I'm not graduating. I'm glad we chose the path we did. What would I do without these cute kids?
I love this. The Lord really does know what he's doing, right?! I never pictured myself getting married as young as I did either, or as quickly. I had plans for a mission and grad school and it's soooo hard to let go of our own plans for the plans that are meant for us, but in the end it's always so much better.
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